Oracle: Bad Ass Motherfuckers

Now that Steve Jobs has stepped down as CEO of Apple, I’m starting to realize that one of the things I might miss most are the posts he would do on Apple’s site from time to time. You know, like the dismantling of Flash

Unlike most corporate-speak which consists of bland nonsense glazed with PR buzzwords — which is always a complete and utter waste of time to read, Jobs’ post were written like a human being who doesn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. Whether you agreed or disagreed with what he was actually saying, you had to respect the voice he was using. 

Now a new hope is rising. 

Yesterday, Oracle issued two statements on Autonomy, the company HP announced their intention to acquire for nearly $12 billion right before Apotheker was fired as CEO. Oracle has said that Autonomy was shopping themselves around before the HP deal, but that they passed before HP made their move. Autonomy denied this, so Oracle issued a statement on the matter. It’s amazing.

"After HP agreed to acquire Autonomy for over $11.7 billion dollars, Oracle commented that Autonomy had been ‘shopped’ to Oracle as well, but Oracle wasn’t interested because the price was way too high.  Mike Lynch, Autonomy CEO, then publically denied that his company had been shopped to Oracle.  Specifically, Mr. Lynch said, “If some bank happened to come with us on a list, that is nothing to do with us.” Mr. Lynch then accused of Oracle of being ‘inaccurate’.   Either Mr. Lynch has a very poor memory or he’s lying.  ‘Some bank’ did not just happen to come to Oracle with Autonomy ‘on a list.’  The truth is that Mr. Lynch came to Oracle, along with his investment banker, Frank Quattrone, and met with Oracle’s head of M&A, Douglas Kehring and Oracle President Mark Hurd at 11 am on April 1, 2011.  After listening to Mr. Lynch’s PowerPoint slide sales pitch to sell Autonomy to Oracle, Mr. Kehring and Mr. Hurd told Mr. Lynch that with a current market value of $6 billion, Autonomy was already extremely over-priced.  The Lynch shopping visit to Oracle is easy to verify.  We still have his PowerPoint slides.”

This led Lynch to admit to the meeting, but to again deny that the point was to shop Autonomy. So Oracle fired back with another statement — an even better one. They saved their nuke for this one: the PowerPoint deck. 

Quattrone immediately fired back that the deck was from a different meeting — but it still is very clear that the deck is all about selling Autonomy to Oracle, which is the point of all of this. Oddly, the deck is now gone from Oracle’s awesomely slugged: — but BusinessInsider still has them

Writes Oracle:

Yesterday, the Autonomy CEO did not remember having any meeting with Oracle.  Today, he remembers the April meeting and inaccurately describes how it came about and what was discussed (see next paragraph). Tomorrow, he will need to explain his slides.

Whoever is writing these press releases has a job waiting for them at TechCrunch if they want it. Sadly, I’m pretty sure it’s a man who already makes about $85 million a year.

[via John Gruber]

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    Yes. Similar story would be Tony Bennett speaking out on behalf of unmitigated so-called All-Christian revulsion towards...
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    Larry Ellison, you are awesome!!! #HpIsDeadToMe
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